Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I will be naked everywhere
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
