apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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