____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize