What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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