I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
