this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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