i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
