just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
