we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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