No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I have already put on my inside pants.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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