he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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