I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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