drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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