I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
