Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
