dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize