i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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