Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
