Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
