Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
