Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
