Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
