this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize