Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize