we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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