he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
