I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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