can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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