i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize