happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
