I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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