dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
