I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
