I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
