I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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