just tell him i said nine months
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
