i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How external is "for external use only"?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
