I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
