Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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