i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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