God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
