I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize