Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he puts the penis in happiness.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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