I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
