Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize