We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
