Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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