I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
