hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just want to make out with him forever
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
