Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just want to make out with him forever
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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