apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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