dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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