i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
