this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
