also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
