i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
well most of my day revolves around power hour
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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