All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
