highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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