Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
