Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize