Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
