I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
