There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
