Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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