I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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